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| but it was pointless. I just came across a quote that summarized my page in mere words.
"It takes a lot to love a sinner, but he needs it all the more."
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| Rising above the mountins, the full moon was truly a sight to
behold. Much bigger than normal and eminating a bright angelic
glow, this object in the sky looked almost ominous, mostly due to the
small, wispy clouds congregating in front of it. Driving up the
dark, winding mountain road, I'd never felt so insignificant.
Before me was the essence of beauty, a truly artful masterpiece.
This portrait of perfection is one that only an artist with the
deepest, purest understanding of their craft can dream of
duplicating.
It reminded me of her.
Her smile as bright and white as the moon's glow. Her playful
personality, dancing about from fancy to fancy as the clouds passing in
front of this heavenly orb. She, just like the moon before me,
rose above all else in this world, always shining bright for everybody
to behold, yet being constantly overlooked by those too absorbed in
themselves to take a single moment and appreciate anything else in
their lives.
She reminded me to stop and smell the roses. She reminded me to
take the lesser traveled path. She reminded me to enjoy
life. To dance, to sing, to love and to learn were all taught to
me by her, without the slightest bit of effort on her part. All I
had to do was watch. Watch her stop to smell the roses, to follow
her on the lesser travelled path, to dance with her and listen to her
sing. She, like the moon, radiated a mystic energy, one that
cannot be understood, only embraced.
Late one night whilst laying in the cool grass, we were watching the
stars. She'd always dreamed of flying among them, dancing with
Orion, drinking from the big dipper, splashing around in the Milky Way,
riding on a shooting star. One day, she told me, she would live
on the moon. And then she was gone.
Never to be seen again.
Only to be percieved.
She's still very much present, I only needed to figure out where to
look. I discovered that she never left me, but that she gave
herself to the world. You can see her in the light of every full
moon, smell her in every rose, feel her in every dance, hear her in
evey song. The day she left, colors were more vibrant than ever,
sounds more musical and flavors sweeter. She left this world to
become one with the essence of beauty.
I count the seconds until I can see her again, smiling, arms
outstretched, running through a field as green as her eyes to embrace
me. This day is far off, however, and until then I can only sing,
dance, and laugh, while taking solice in the glow of the full
moon.
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| Even since I've been back from New Mexico, I haven't been able to
escape the grasp of a deep depression that has taken hold of me.
I've spent a week thinking about it, and I think I've finally
discovered what the cause of everything is. It's a combination of
quite a few factors, ranging from childhood to adulthood, friends to
family, and even involves a little town in Georgia.
I've cried almost every day since I've been back. Usually if I'm
thinking about New Mexico for too long. It just kinda happens...
I can't really point to a single thing that triggers it every
time. After a hearty 5 minutes, I'm pretty well back to normal,
and usually I feel quite relieved, but give me an hour or so before I'm
back in my funk.
I think alot of the depression I'm feeling has to do with how
astonishingly different my lives in Kansas and New Mexico are. In
New Mexico, I'm a child again. No financial stressing, no job
that I despise, no appointments or dates that need to be
followed. It's all so carefree. In New Mexico, I spend less
money then I do here, take less time prepping in the morning, do
whatever I feel like doing whenever I feel like it, and I'm around
friends all day. I brought over $700 to blow on my vacation, and
came home with about $600 of it. That's what I want. That's
what I like. In New Mexico, I'm happy with myself. In
Kansas, time is spent trying to make yourself look bigger, more
important, and richer then your neighbors. The sin of pride runs
rampant, and everything you do everyday is based on how much money you
can spend doing it. I don't like that. I hate that.
In New Mexico, living day to day is about living day to day, and
enjoying the small pleasures in life, such as the company of others, a
good book, or an afternoon nap. In Kansas, living day to day is
about stressing on how to buy the hottest new car or household
appliance. In New Mexico, life is about life. In Kansas,
life is about material objects.
I also have come to realize that I don't have friends in Kansas like I
do in New Mexico. Don't get me wrong, I love all the people I
know in Kansas, but only a handful feel like genuine friends, and none
of them, I feel, have that bond with me that I do with EVERYBODY in New
Mexico. In New Mexico, I don't have friends... I have
family. Everyday could be spent sitting and watching paint dry,
but if it was spent with them, I'd be okay with that. Always
genuinely happy to see eachother, we usually waste the day away sitting
and talking, or just watching movies and playing video games, possibly
a quick afternoon outing for lunch or errands, then something for a few
hours in the evening. It was perfect.
Just to make matters worse, piled on top of all these issues is a
little town in Georgia. Never have the words of Ray Charles' Georgia on my Mind reigned so true for anybody.
"I'm say Georgia
Georgia
A song of you
Comes as sweet and clear
As moonlight through the pines
Other arms reach out to me
Other eyes smile tenderly
Still in peaceful dreams I see
The road leads back to you"
If I didn't know any better, I might think I was in love with this
little town in Georgia. Joy courses through every vein in my body
when I think about visiting. Remembering breakfast and dessert
dates brings a smile to my face, as does the anticipation of laying my
eyes upon this small town again. Nothing would give me more
pleasure than to fly down and claim this little place in Georgia, to
claim Savannah, for myself.
But alas... here I am, alone, stuck in Kansas with a job that I don't
enjoy, making money that I don't want, so I can go to a school that I
don't care for and take courses that my major doesn't require.
All I can do is remember the great times I had, and think about those
ahead. I need to keep my chin up, and strive foreward, if for no
other reason then to get myself back down to New Mexico as soon as
humanly possible, all the while trying to remember that I'm not some
rich snob that needs to one-up my neighbor to feel good about
myself. I'm Doug, and that's all I need to get by. I know
that now, only because of my vacation to New Mexico.
It's not really currently listening to, more like still listening to:
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| If you're reading this,
be forewarned that it's long. I added date headings myself - the
actual post reads all the way down to the Currently Listening
section. Enjoy!
I had such an amazing time in New
Mexico this year, that I’ve decided to do something of a book report on the
occasion, and will most likely continue to do so on subsequent years just so,
in ten years time, we can look back on these and laugh at all the good memories
we have. A small disclaimer, however,
this is written through my point of view, so my humblest apologies if it seems
a bit biased or I’ve left any details out.
Anyway, onward and upward to New Mexico,
2006!
Friday, July 14th,
2006:
I feel like I
should put this in here just to illustrate how determined I was to get to New
Mexico. My day
started at 8:00, when I woke up and
went to work. At around 4:00, I sat down for about 15 minutes and
quickly ate, then returned to work and closed the store, finally leaving around
12:30 Saturday morning.
Saturday,
July 15th, 2006:
Finally, the day I’ve been dreaming
about for weeks has come. I arrive back
at my house from work at around 1:00,
take a 45 minute nap, then groom and shower for the trip. After the shower I pack, and at around 4:00 in the morning, leave for my parents
house. We finish packing there, and hit
the road at about 5:30. After a quick pit stop at the gas station, I
begin the trip and drive until about 8:30. The rest of the trip is an alteration between
napping and driving, until we arrive at the Cameron’s house at 6:30 or so.
After greetings are made, we order some pizza, and enjoy while passing
the time until Savannah and Danielle
show up. Myself, Savvy, Connor and Danielle
make a quick double date of the debacle to Circuit
City, where somebody fell out of a
chair and knocked over a speaker display, and call it a night, finalizing plans
for a potluck the next night.
Sunday,
July 16th, 2006:
The
morning begins early, but slowly, as Connor and I pass the time running
inconsequential errands, and playing video games. It is decided that we head to breakfast
at
Dos Hermanos, a small Mexican joint with monstrous and delicious breakfast
burritos.
After our errands, the day
passes slowly but surely until the dinner party that evening,
when we see
James, Peter, Carl, Max and Sierra’s friend Mallory for the first time, as well
as Danielle and Savvy who have graced us with their presence once again. After a
thoroughly enjoyable meal with
thoroughly enjoyable company and a quick photo shoot,
we make plans for hiking
the next morning and call it a night.
Monday,
July 17th, 2006:
Today
started really early - 6:30 to
be precise. I made a few wake up calls,
then
after a thorough preparation, we make way to the mountain for a morning of
rigorous
climbing. Around 9:00
everybody (read as Myself, Melissa, Jackie, Connor, James, and
Max) has
arrived, and we set off at a brisk pace.
We hike the trail for a few minutes, then
find a dry creek bed, and
decide to hike up that instead, as it’s a more direct path up the
mountain. This was a good decision,
because we got to climb through some fun spots
going this way. After we make it ¾ of the way up the
mountain, the trail disappears,
leaving us to make our own path up the rest of
the mountain. This portion of the hike
proves to be the most difficult by far, as it was around this time that I took
my spill. After
enjoying the view for a
while, and suddenly realizing that we were entering the hottest part
of the
day, we yelled to Connor (he’d decide to take a separate mountain up, so he was
across the ravine from the rest of the party, but he did find an antler in the
process!) that
we were heading down, and to meet us in the base of the ravine. After we all regrouped,
we made our way back
down the mountain and back to Connor’s house, where we
showered (you should’ve
seen the water that came off me), and ate.
James graced us
with his company until he had to work that evening, and
as he departed Connor, Myself,
and the rest of my family followed suit over to
Max and Danielle’s house for a dessert
party.
After about an hour of delicious desserts and lively conversation,
Connor and I
went back home, stopping by Wal-Mart to (unsuccessfully) look for a
cane, seeing as I’d
sprained my ankle on the way back down the mountain. After finally realizing that Savvy
wasn’t
going to call me (ahem), I quickly fell asleep.
Tuesday,
July 18th, 2006:
This was another slow morning,
Connor and I just passed the time until that evening, when we (Myself, Savvy,
Connor, Sierra, Melissa and Jackie) decided to go to an Albuquerque Isotopes
Baseball game. The weather was looking
threatening, but we went anyway, and ironically enough the only rained out
baseball game I’ve ever been to was in the middle of the desert. After chit chatting with the gate attendant
for a few minutes, trying to convince him that we didn’t need a parking spot to
pull through and pick people up out of the rain (this took some time, and after
he finally realized what we wanted, excitedly informed us that it was his
birthday on Thursday! Connor and I
agreed it was probably the meth talking), we finally went back the Cameron’s
house where Melissa and Sierra’s clique split off in search of a dance
party. Savvy, Connor and Myself decided
that ice cream sounded good, and after Scott and Login arrived, we set off for
Cold Stone. After ice cream, we called
it a night, Savannah and I making
plans for dessert tomorrow evening as well.
Wednesday,
July 19th, 2006:
Again, a menial morning filled with
petty errands and video games, and the eager anticipation of 8:30pm to roll around.
About 6:00 Connor’s girlfriend
came over, we were introduced, and she seemed like a lovely little lady. They went out to do their date thing, and at 8:30 on the nose, Savvy and Jake arrived to
pick myself and Jackie up and off we went to the Flying Star, where we were
slightly disappointed to learn that they were out of a top tier dessert. We made due with cookies, cake and pie, and
spent about 2 hours bantering about everything from favorite colors to the
scariest thing that any of us had ever experienced. After the evening of divine desserts and
colorful conversation, Savannah
dropped Jackie and Myself back off and Connor’s house. As we said our goodbyes, we made plans for
breakfast the next morning. Inside, we
chit chatted and watched TV for about an hour before I called it a night.
Thursday, July 20th,
2006:
After a spectacular breakfast with
Savvy at Dos Hermanos, I spent most of the day trying to get back all the
energy I’d expended earlier in the week.
At 5:00 we went out to dinner
with our old neighbor, Mr. Gibson, and then went to his house for a little
while, just to play a few rounds of Dominos.
We left at about 7:30, and went back to Connor’s house where Myself,
Melissa, Jackie, James, Connor and Sierra were all supposed to head to the mall
together, but the girls got impatient and left without us gentlemen. We spent the rest of the night socializing,
and were reminded that the biggest night of this entire trip was going to be
tomorrow. James left around 11:00, and we called it a night shortly after,
eagerly anticipating tomorrow’s dinner.
Friday,
July 21st, 2006:
Ah
yes, if you ask me, the best day of the trip by far. I woke up, had some of
Savvy’s Zucchini bread
for breakfast, and then, again, Connor and I ran menial errands.
The highlight of the chores that day was at
the Verizon store, where, as Connor was
getting his cell phone fixed, a gentleman
waiting in line for tech support struck up a
conversation with me. Usual stuff about school, jobs, etc, and as
he found out I was from
Kansas, made the obligatory Wizard of Oz jokes. He seemed like a decent enough
fellow, but
looks can be deceiving. His turn for
tech support came up, and it turned out
that he needed to buy a new battery for
his phone, which was now a year old. The
man
was livid. Over a $30 battery, he
asked to talk with the manager (he actually was already
talking to the manager,
who looked surprisingly like William H. Macy), and then, after
being shot down,
threatened to take his business to a different carrier, Mr. Macy simply
replied, “Ok,” and with all his routes of attack blocked, Mr. Livid finally,
angrily, decided
to buy a new battery. I
thought I’d share, because it was nice to see a customer service
rep standing
his ground for once, instead of just taking somebody’s undeserved wrath.
Anyway, by the time we were done at the
Verizon store, we had about an hour to kill
before the dinner. It passed quickly, and before I knew it we
were getting lost on the way
to Jamey’s house (as per tradition). We finally arrived to a spectacular barbecue
spread,
and after enjoying dinner, company, and a little bit of the Tour de
France, we had a couple
photo shoots.
The first was everybody modeling sunglasses, and the second was just a
big group photo, again, as per tradition.
After about 30 minutes of debating and
ab-scissoring, we all decided
that the park would make a good location for the after party,
and after saying
round one of our goodbyes, Myself, Savannah, Jackie, Connor, Scott and
Login, engaging
in a quick but rousing round of pididdle (I have no idea how the heck to
spell
that), made our way to the park, where we swung, slid, and played like little
kids until
Savvy’s mother informed us that it was time to come in for the
evening. I walked
Savannah home, where we said our goodbyes. Afterwards, I went inside, dreading my
pillow, knowing that it would be time to leave when I awoke.
Saturday,
July 22nd, 2006:
This is easily the most depressing
day of my year, every year. 5:15 in the
morning, I woke up, showered and packed, and like ghosts we silently slid from
the Cameron’s house, leaving nothing but memories of spectacular times
behind. God gave us a pretty good
goodbye with the sunrise that morning, but I’d much rather have stayed then
seen a sunrise 1,000 times more beautiful.
The only thing that keeps the depression of leaving bearable is thinking
about what good times we’ll have in subsequent years, and remembering all the
good times we’ve had in the past. It
always seems like the sun is always brighter in New
Mexico, the sky is always bluer, what little grass
there is is always greener, and the people are so much nicer. I love it in Kansas,
don’t get me wrong, but they say home is where the heart is, and every time I
leave New Mexico my heart breaks again.
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